Dear mum,

Dear mum, it’s been a while and I miss you. The world has changed very much with out you in it, but I guess that goes without saying. Not just bad changes, some are good as the dark clouds part. I’d trade them all to spend another afternoon with you.

I know you’d be so proud of dad and the way he’s handled the transition. He misses you so much, but that’s not a surprise to anyone is it? A 43-year-old marriage died along with you, I did not understand that at the time, I don’t think any of us did. We are trying to look after dad as best we can, but the stubborn and independent streak that was passed down from grandparents, to parents to my brother and I, runs deep in all of us.

I still expect you to answer the phone when I call, it was one of those things that showed me the world was right. Rain on May bank holidays and you answering the phone. If it helps I know exactly what you’d say had I called today with the World Cup is on. “Do you want to speak to your father? I’ll get your father, he’s watching that bloody football, he’s always watching football. How much longer is this cup thing going on for?”

Thank you for the letters, it took me a long time to take them from Dad, eventually he just handed them to me and said take them. They sat tucked into the cover of a notebook for a while before I opened them. Not so much because I was scared that you were gone, but more because it made everything seem so final and I was not ready for that.

There are moments when something happens and it’s really hard knowing I’ll not get to share the stories about unicycles, dinners  and so on with you. More than occasionally I catch myself thinking “mum will love this…” and then it comes upon me that I can’t.

One other person you’d be so proud of is Steve, he has done such an amazing job with guiding Nimah and helping her through out this. Exposing her to the reality and transition but keeping her away from the center of things. I’m really impressed, he is a great father, but we had good role models.

You know we are so alike and I think that’s been at the root of the ups and downs in our relationship over the last 20 years. There have been times we have not got on as well as we maybe should have done, but I’ve always known I’m loved no matter what. I’m glad over the last couple of years we got back to where we should have been.

One of the strangest things was staying in the house . It’s been well over 20 years since I spent a night in your house alone, it felt really strange and something was missing. Even though I had Dora the Explorer to keep me company in the spare bedroom, it did not feel right. Dad’s not been keeping the house to your standard, the dust is pretty thick in places and he’s not vacuuming every couple of days the way you did, but he is doing OK.

I know you believed in an afterlife of some description, I hope you were right and the rest of us totally missed the mark on that one. It gve you comfort, and I think dad got something out of it too.

We all miss you and I just wish I knew what to say next.