At first glance I’m an unlikely stepparent, my father mentioned this, my friends mentioned this, but I believed we would work it out together and working towards the same goal. I was warned how hard it was, and I said at the time that with her support I could do this.
I was clear that I was not a replacement for their father, I was a stepparent and that meant something totally different. I was promised we would work towards the same goal and I’d be supported in defining my role.
I read the books, looked at the websites and joined in a couple of the forums. In short I did the research, did the homework and was ridiculed for it (and I don’t use that word lightly). Reality is that so many people now – even Prince William and Harry – are part of a stepfamily. You’d have to be a fool to think you’re going to walk into a family and it’s all going to work. Life isn’t like that and I may be many things to many people, but I’m not a fool.
My parents were married for 43 years, I never knew anything else and I never had to face the tough realities of separation and blended families (the current PC term). Growing up I had close friends who went through it; they were commuting between parents like most kids in this situation.
And what issues they are. The most pressing one was the difference between the role I saw myself in, had researched, shared my expectations and the role my other half wanted me to fulfill, more importantly this expectation had not been shared with me.
She hated (and I mean hated) her former husband (the girls bio-dad), the split had been messy and the wounds very close to the surface. She said later “I love you, I love the girls and so I believed everything would be wonderful and [their dad] would be replaced.” Along with the relationship with the father was the desire to be the “popular” parent, to be seen in a better light than their father. After all he let them down, she must be better than he is.
This brings up the first of the big lessons learned, despite doing he reading and research I did not understand I was not just getting into a relationship with her and the girls, there was all the baggage and the ex involved.
The ex was a dysfunctional alcoholic. I had no idea the role he would play in my life over the last couple of years. Just as we brought the house he lied and threatened me, a path that became all too familiar. At first he denied ever having done so, then I took it out of context and then it was back to never having happened.
The respect the bio-parent shows to the stepparent is clearly modeled by the kids; they take their cues and model behaviors from both parents. One parent was dysfunctional and the other could not contain her hatred for him. I was in the middle expected to step into the shoes, only I was clear that was not my role. She forgot to mention her expectations to the kids, their father and me.
The biggest shock was that after we’d be sharing a house for 5 weeks I was left alone with the kids for 5 nights. I had huge problems with that, but what I wanted did not seem to matter too much. The grandparents were there for the first couple of days, but I was there with them every other moment from Sunday evening untill Friday night.
The kids hated her traveling, really hated and once they knew it was happening would act up for days before hand, make life difficult, argue and yell. It was an ugly situation. During the first 12 months we were together I was alone at night with her kids for 23 nights while she traveled with work.
I tried, I worked hard and put everything into it for years. Yet never seemed to be enough.
Almost every morning for almost two years I would take them to day care and pick them up. In between I’d work a full day, get them home, fix dinner and try to get homework at least started. Something like 80% of blended families don’t’ last, it’s a frightening stat and one I was aware of when we started this.
But one thing I do know is that everyone has to have his or her role defined, shared and understood by everyone. Authority comes through the bio-parent, not the stepparent, even though she wanted me to take that role, just never let me know that expectation. Let us just say I’ve a lot of thoughts on this and what I could have done differently.
18 Comments
That’s a very different story to the one I’ve been told. once again…
I bet it’s not the same story you’ve heard from her, a number of assumptions and lies have come out. As for this, I stand by every word in it.
Stepfamilies need to start with the bio-parents having formed a cooperative co-parenting bond. Alcoholism makes this hard, as does hatred for the other bio-parent. Stepparents are NOT replacement parents, and never have been seen as such in history. They are unique and can bring immense gifts to child — in my book, StepWisdom, I call great step-fathers Merlin figures; they are there when needed and a man who provides guidance into the outer world where love and respect are way more conditional. Stepparents who try to replace another parent are doomed. What is interesting is that stepfamilies that survive the first three years with their commitment intact have a lower rate of divorce than first marriages. I devote a lot of my book to helping people avoid the rocks that are strewn about in the first three years. Role definition and appreciation by all — including former marriage partners — of the roles makes life a lot simpler. Sorry that the relationship did not survive, but don’t give up on being a stepdad in the future; your insight as to role definition is rock solid.
Eleanor, thank you for the validation in my view. The last few years have been full of life changing moments, and this was one of them. It’s setting up, working hard and understanding the roles.
Unfortunately the bio-parent co-opting the stepparent in this way happens far more often than we would like to think. Parents often don’t put the children first, especially if there is still residual animosity between the two bio-parents they are put in the middle off. There are a lot of good resources available; I think professional help early is essential. I’m sorry for all involved that his did not work.
Walking into the middle of an unhealthy situation with parents that are more worried about themselves and their feelings towards each other really reduce the chances of a blended family working. So much pressure on the bio-parents to act civilized and make it work for all, as difficult as that may be. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing this, it’s such a tough path to travel, and I don’t believe I could have done it with out the total support and buy in of the other parents.
As the mother that is misquoted and described in this inaccurate, biased, and self-centered post, I take issue with people assuming that what David writes is accurate. Eleanor, your book sounds valuable and I wish that David could have embodied any of the characteristics you describe in your post.
Heather, there in one quote from you in the entire post, a quote that is entirely accurate, in context and appropriate to the subject at hand. It comes from a conversation we had and was repeated in our family therapists session. As I’ve said to one of your “friends” already in the comments section, I stand by the accuracy of everything in this post.
It is a blog post, it is about how I feel. I did not mention you by name, given out your e-mail, provide any way to identify you, allege abuse, misdeed or demean you in anyway.
[…] Dave's random mumblings; Some personal thoughts… […]
Thank you for sharing.
I really like the work you’ve done here. This is such an important post, a very tough thing to share and I know you are getting knocked back by people. A lot of people have been in the same situation you are now, I have been and you are doing the right thing. Luana
It’s a big deal to share these things, to share our failures and try to understand what happens in commendable. I’ve been in a similar situation, but as the bio parent, and it’s tough for all. A parent needs to look out for their children first and with all the emotion around the bio-parents and the rift between them it is really hard, but they have no choice. I don’t think I ever called out my kids wife in front of them, as much as I’d like too and that frustration build and builds.
You’ve been through a lot, we all deserve to be happy, good luck.
As for the tolls, they are out there, I got attacked and there is not much you can do other than call them out or ignore them. Shaming them seems to work.
Dave there has been some really good conversation here. It’s a very, very tough ting to do and I’m sorry it did not work, but you were not helped by the situation.
Www davekean… Corking stuff, tough breaks but fascinating reading. 🙂
Wonderful contribution to what is a very important debate, I came here from a link to this peace from a post of the StepP forum, really good stuff written from the heart. Thanks, and there is more I’d like to share, what’s the best email?
She really is a total bitch, we went out for dinner and she is clearly off the deep end. You did well to get out when you did.
Touching and moving, what’s your email there is more I’d like to say.