Seven rules of step parenting

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently and this is an attempt to distill my thoughts and those sent to me in e-mails and the comments I received on this particular subject.

• You are not a substitute for the other bio-parent. “You can’t tell me this because you are not my dad” You live in our house and I pay some of your bills, so when you are under this roof, yes I can. I’m an addition to their life, not a substitute.
• The better the step kids relationship with both their own parents, the better your relationship will be with them. My relationship is made easier by them getting on with both households. Everyone is less stressed and life is so much easier.
• Perhaps the golden rule, don’t allow the bio-parents to bad mouth each other, even little barb filled comments will confuse and cause the kids to be defensive. Never, ever do this when the kids are around, even the sarcastic tone on the phone will cause loyalty issues and trouble in the house. This I speak from painful, painful experience.
• Reinforcing time and time again that the current situation is not their fault. They may have preferred it when they were a family, or when it was just them and mum, but life changes and the mum and dad are not getting back together, and it’s not their fault that happened. Getting a stepparent reinforces that mum and dad are not getting back together.
• Be firm with your boundaries, if you are uncomfortable doing something with the kids, taking them to school every day, supervising when the bio-parent is gone, discipline or what ever it is. If you don’t want to do it talk it out, but when you are uncomfortable let the bio-parent know.
• Read some of the books on the subject, share concerns and get professional help from a good family therapist in how the household should be set up, house rules and so on.
• Authority of the stepparent comes through the bio-parent this touches on the other five rules in some way and if there is a golden rule, this is it. Any authority the stepparent has comes from the bio-parent and how they are treated. This can take the form of playing adults off against each other, or one parent referring to the family home as “my house” and not “our house”. Any little hint that the stepparent is seen in a lesser light is a potential OK to treat them the same way.

These are my thoughts mixed with a lot of input from others, I’m still shocked by hte interest and feedback this particular series of posts have generate.. So to Ludmilla, Karol, Elenor, Steven, Jill, Marcus and a few other, thank you for sharing your stories, it helps.

I think there is a book in this experiance somewhere. If anyone else has any comments thoughts or think I’m wrong, feel free to e-mail me at dave (at) davekean.com.