I think I’m an intelligent person who doesn’t suffer fools and while I can be rather cynical about life, I do love what I have today. I am clear there was a time when it was not this way. I lost that, and there were a number of reasons for that and I take responsibility for the decisions that led to myself finding myself in an abusive relationship.
Over the last few weeks I’ve had a lot of email from people, both people I know and strangers. A few were about my ex and the drama in her life, something I’m working to eliminate from mine. It shed some light on recent behaviors and caused me to have someone do some deeper investigations into her. Getting that report back was interesting, but this is not about those discoveries.
A number have been from mutual acquaintances, one was very blunt. It started on about “de-friending” her on Facebook and the reaction she got. “[another former friend] was right, she is a toxic person and I will never have reason to contact her again”
Another read “And the craziness continues – her lies and behavior are truly unbelievable to me – and the way she manipulates everyone and gets away with it!!! I can’t fathom how all that crap has not caught up to her!! Have your guard up. Way up. I really wish you the very best in your journey, you are a thoughtful guy and we send you our sincerest hopes for your happiness.”
The distance in time and space I have had from my ex since leaving has given me what I needed, perspective. She loved control, desired power and has a need to be wanted. She was the centre of my universe for a long time, and I worked hard to make sure her life was what she wanted. She is a very smart woman who had spent a lot of time studying at places like the Landmark Education (look it up, it’s usually referred to as a “white collar cult” and teaches some very intense stuff) as both a student and volunteer.
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that my ex did not ‘make’ me do anything. However, I truly believe she enjoyed watching me get away from what I loved and became more compliant to what she wanted.
I did not tell my family or most of my friends what was really going on behind the perfect happy façade, in large part because I was so ashamed about what I’d become after only 18 months. I had one very close friend who knew what I’d done, who knew what was happening and he allowed me to stay there a couple of times when I could not face going home after a couple of particularly bad episodes.
What I have to say here I stand behind completely. It’s been the result of some very intense work with some very good professionals. Friends have occasionally been taken part in the sessions, it’s been difficult, but the end results have been extraordinary. I do love my life today, I am happy and that is such a reward.
Despite that “safe place” and my closest friend I didn’t tell anyone what was really happening because it’s taken a year of very intense work to understand just how abusive the situation was. When I was on the receiving end of the abuse, I felt like I deserved it. For the entire time we were together it was me that was not fitting in, I was not accepting the situation and I was wrong and my ex was right.
For my ex it was all about control and manipulation. She told me more than once I needed her and her kids, she twisted my life and I believed it. Again I take responsibility for that. The emotional blackmail was as subtle as ubiquitous. I did what I thought a good stepparent did, I now know that to be wrong.
At her behest I stopped rallying, something I loved. I totally dropped out of the rally scene for years, it required too much of a commitment and would mean time away from her and her kids.
We hosted a party for our friends. A lot of my rally friends turned up, along with a few colleges. She has a few friends there who sat in the corner by themselves and never made any effort to join the party. I was told my friends did not socialize with hers, it was their fault. They sat in the middle of the room laughing, a colleague said on Monday how much fun he had with them. In her mind my friends were the bad guys, they represented something important to me, something that took me away from her control and that was bad.
When I told her how I felt she said told me I should get out and rally. But whenever I brought it up, I’d be told that weekend did not work for whatever reason. After a while I stopped asking, this is was people in my position do, we try to please someone who will never have enough, who will never stop wanting more.
I become dependent on that approval and I hate myself for it.
My life became twisted, I was unable to reach out to this wonderful community I was part of for a number of reasons. I was in a downward spiral trying to do enough for her. It became true, because in the end I really did need her.
She wanted to go on a cruise; I stayed at home to supervise a child who told me she hated me. A couple of months later the same kid accused me of abusing her and throwing her against a wall. She is a mandatory reporter and never reported it, yet somehow I got a number of threatening emails after I left telling me that I abused kids. I have to confess I was not surprised by that, previously she had used them against their father in a similar way. It says a lot about her as a person that she uses her kids to get back at people.
The kids go to camp; I was the one that drove for 3 ½ hours each way to take them there. Kids need to go to day care and be picked up, and I’m the one that took them. This went on for years, and I allowed it too.
When I made the point that I spent more time with her kids than either one of their parents I was told to never say that again. It was true, but it’s a truth that did not fit into her reality, so it was never mentioned. There were huge double standards in what it was acceptable for me to say. If she wanted to call them little bitches it was fine. If I was upset after being yelled at by a 6 year old that’s not mine I was in the wrong for complaining.
There are literally hundreds of other occasions that I’ve written down where something similar happened. But did I speak out? No. Did I leave her? Not for a long time and I own that. By any definition I stayed in an abusive relationship, and I stand by that statement.
It’s taken a lot of talking, a lot of writing and literally years of time to understand the situation I was in. One question I got from a friend I shared this with was “Why are you talking about this now? Why has it taken so long to tell the full story? What have I been afraid of?
There are a couple of reasons. Firstly, I know some friends and my family read this blog and I have a lot of shame about both what I endured and what I did and that enough to keep it buried for me. I also know that my ex reads this blog daily, he knows what’s happening in my life, but keeps a safe distance and spends a lot of time obsessing and telling people how bad a person I am. But from a safe distance. With everything going on that has kept me quiet. However, this is my blog, my voice and I have a story I need to tell in order to take some control back for my life.
First I left, I walked out and I left with no intention of coming back. I filed for divorce. I cheated on her 18 months ago, I’m not proud, but I did. Physiologically I understand why I did it now, the biggest reason one was to prove that she did not control me. I gave up.
She has lost the power over me and I can continue along my personal road to happiness. She is a rather sad individual, I’m no longer angry with her, not any more. I was angry with myself and that drove some of my more self-destructive behavior. I blamed myself for a long time, but once again, I don’t anymore.
My decisions to leave her is as validated once again today. I got an email, very short “We need to talk”. I replied that I did not need to, and at this moment I don’t have the emotional or physical energy to deal with her.
The reply I got “This was the last chance you had to attempt to mediate and reach an agreement outside of court. As you know, all documentation presented to the court will become public record.” Neither of these “threats” are actually true, as her lawyer would have told her.
She went on to say “It is my understanding that you have no intention or interest in reaching an agreement prior to court. I am on the record and indicating that I would like to do so, if we meet in person and speak. You have made it clear that will not happen.” I’ve said nothing of the sort, but once again conclusions are jumped too and at this time with everything going on and a round of chemo starting tomorrow I really don’t have the energy, that’s why I have a lawyer.
One example, all three of my credit reports show my home address as her townhouse, and has done for a while. It shows the hard credit pulls I never authorized, including one from Frontier Communication. In Washington a spouse can’t be guilty of identity theft, but that can of fraud.
I’ve seen plenty to know this is her trying to control through intimidation and threats. It’s the perfect example of how she is, and exactly what people warned me about.
If anyone told me they were in a similar situation today I would have only one piece of advise, leave. Despite promises and saying the right things in the family therapists office, nothing changed. I share my story because abuse doesn’t have to be physical, and men do not only do it to women. Emotional abuse is just as damaging and harder to identify and prove, as there is no physical evidence. But today I have no doubt I was on the receiving end of it.
Finally, I am sharing this story because I know there must be other people who are, or have been, in the same situation I was in and while I’ll never know how they feel I beg them to talk about it with someone. There are moments it feels hopeless, and getting out is a tough, but it gets easier. I promise.
If you have come to the end of this very long post and are still reading, then I thank you for listening to what I had to say. My ex will talk about how full of shit I am, how this is nothing but lies. She has contacted friends of mine telling them not to believe anything I have to say. My friends are smart enough to make their own minds up. I’ve never approached any of her friends, but clearly it’s acceptable should I decide to do so.
There are three people in that get to say “I told you so” about what’s happened to me over the last few years, and one is the kids father. I’ve got to give him full credit; he called an awful lot of what’s happened almost perfectly.
To this day it continues, but the difference is now she has no hold over me. I can deal with the harassment. The drive-by of the house, taking a peek through the back windows, claims of what I’d done, pulling my credit report so often her address appears on it, the continual lack of cooperation and so on, and so on. She makes her choices and will have to live with the consequences.
One more thing, if you’d like to know the story of what’s happened between me ex and myself, let me know. My e-mail is on this site and she has offered this kind service, it seems only fair I should offer the same opportunity.