I was in Safeway today grabbing some cat food for the guys, not sure I should have driven, but there we go… Sitting on the shelf next to the tinned stuff was this:-

Appetisers for cats… This is worse then the dog cologne, I know how the cats eat, there is no appreciation of fine dining or quality prep. They are fussier than dogs (bar set high there), but if it smells vaguely meaty or fishy they will have a go at it.

One of the things that did get done this week was some work around the house. I don’t know much about flooring, but I know people who do, and that’s what I need right now.

I’ve documented the state of the house when I moved back in, it was bad and one of the things I made note of was the black light glow in the living room carpet where the dog went to the bathroom. If dog crap under the crappy sofa gets ignored, you know dog pee was never cleared up.

I had the carpet cleaned, but that never really cleans the underlay and the root of the problem never gets taken care of. So this week I had the carpet taken up and the underlay replaced with clean stuff, in combination with the cleaned carpet the difference is immense.

Here is an example of what I found on the underlay, going by stench the stain is dried pee. Awesome, oh and this was one of 7 or 8 places found in the living room. And before the question is asked, it was not the cats as there was no corresponding black light stain on the carpet, these all come from before I had the carpet cleaned.

It’s been a long few days, health wise something of a setback with scans, tests, fluid being drained, more drugs and maybe more surgery.

Lets start with Thursday, that was simple and I had my scheduled MRI with no drama, all I had to do was lay there and listen to Pulp for 40 minutes, even I can do that. Thursday I never made it to work, I was in quite a lot of pain and no way can I work while on vicodin, that’s just not a good idea for anyone.

Friday was better and I made it to work for a few hours before bailing for the doctors’ appointments with the surgeon and oncologist. First stop was the ear/nose/throat surgeon that operated three weeks ago. We talked for a few minutes about the pain, headaches, balance problems, looking the MRI’s and his thoughts on what may be happening. Time for the white board again and lots of words I have to ask what they mean.

He then pulled out his instruments of torture, started off by looking to my ear. Went quiet and said lets do a quick hearing test. It was a bone induction test and the idea is to see how the nerves are, we know there is no conventional hearing on the right. It was 25-40dB down on where it was 10 days ago.

Apparently this indicated there is something wrong with the semi-circular canals and Cochlea. A few more questions and thoughts from the surgeon and it’s up a couple of floors for yet another scan.

The 30 minute appointment that started at one O’clock is now at 90 minutes, and it turns out we’d just started. I did not even have book with me.

To cut a long (I left at 6:30) story short, there was a lot of fluid in the inner ear, some of which was pressing on the brain and causing the headaches. Saturday morning I was back at UW and we drained 120ml of liquid out, my headache disappeared almost instantly and balance got significantly better.

We will have some more results back Monday and the rest on Tuesday. I’ve been given more antibiotics and new prescriptions for steroids, antihistamines and pseudoephedrine. And orders to spend much of the weekend laying on my left side.

Sunday morning I woke with a huge headache and visited the walk in clinic to get more fluid drained. This time far less than

With a wonderful mix of drugs running through me it’s makes for an interesting weekend. Still some bleeding, still can’t drive and while I have more energy, the steroids and pseudoephedrine may have something to do with that.

Long couple of days, not going to get easier with visits over the next couple of days. Big thank you to Min, Rob, Rob and Tracy for the help and rides over the last couple of days. We’ll BBQ soon.

It’s two weeks since I got cut open and just about four weeks since I found out this was more than an ear infection and it’s been an intense time.

For a start I’d forgotten how much going through this sucks, it truly does. I’ve done a few hours at work this week and that’s been good, even if just to prove I can do it to myself. As for the stuff I’d forgotten (or more accurately brain dumped for good reason)… For some “issues” there is an iPhone app for that (SitOrSquat, the title is pretty self explanatory), for others I’m looking towards good drugs (a lot of pain last weekend) to make life easier. Like everything else, this too shall pass.

Last week I was taken out too the Cameron Diaz movie Bad Teacher. Two things, first it was awful and second I actually felt pretty good after a couple of hours of crap comedy and popcorn. Not a bad evening, even if the movie was horrendous.

The holiday weekend did not go as well, I was out of things pretty badly for a day or two over the weekend. Again a lot of pain around the operation site, but mostly feeling crappy and taking some very strong antibiotics. During this down time I spent some time thinking about the perfect movie library for me to help me get through days like this.

So the question was given limited shelf/hard drive space, what are the dozen movies that would make up the core of a manly-man collection?

There should be big epic war movies, a gritty Western or two, the occasional invasion from outer space, perhaps an agreeable drama with lots of violence and there is certainly space for a black comedy on the list.

The ground rules are simple,

• There should be little romance and what there is should be tangential to the plot. Sex is fine.
• There should be a plot, and twists are perfectly acceptable but should not take away from the action
• If it’s historic, it should be mostly accurate. Yeah that’s subjective and of course the victor writes the history books.
• I get words like “epic” and “spectacular” are subjective, but this is my list.
• Great lines can only add to a movie.

So, to the top 12, a lot of thought went into this.

1. Dr Strangelove – Peter Sellers and Stanley Kubrick were both geniuses, a label thrown around way too often, but in his case it was deserved. Then add Buck Turgison (George C. Scott) and the bomber pilot “King” Kong (Slim Pickens) riding the bomb down at the end with all sorts of homoerotic overtones. The blackest of black comedies and should be in every guys library.
2. The Longest Day – The best war movie ever made, I’d argue it’s without parallel in the genre. A great cast gives a realistic, powerful telling of one of the greatest stories on the 20^th century. Great direction and superior filmmaking give it the edge over
3. A Bridge Too Far – Second best war movie ever made, accurately (for a war movie) tells the true story of Operation Market Garden, it’s failings, the people and the personal sacrifice. Like The Longest Day no Hollywood hyperbole was required as the story is unbelievable enough already.
4. The Unforgiven – The best western in years and Clint Eastwood played it so well.
5. Master and Commander – edges out Gladiator and 300 because none of the guys wear skirts, but I’d consider augments for both Ridley Scott’s best film and 300 because “Xerxes” is just fun to say and so many great quotes.
6. True Grit – I remember watching this (the John Wayne version) with my grandfather. I recently re-watched it again and it stood the test of time very well. Great western and a great story.
7. The Godfather – Certainly part I and II and you may as well add III for completeness. This was the ultimate mafia movie.
8. Star Wars – It redefined the genre, I really don’t think I need to say anything else here.
9. 2001 – A Space Odyssey – It takes a while to get there, and once you understand what is going on the end is rather satisfying. I wish I’d seen it on the big screen, the special affects still stand with what’s being produced today, and it’s over 40 years old.
10. Bullit – Steve McQueen playing the cop who breaks the rules to get the man, a great car chase does only adds to the movie.
11. Italian Job (the original) Michael Caine playing, well Michael Caine for the want of a better way to put it. The best car chase movie ever
12. Goldfinger – Connery is the movie Bond, that’s just how it is. The girls, airplanes, great lines, mafia, gunfights, memorable characters by the busload, the big production finish and of course the Aston DB5. This was was a close run thing as latest version of Casino Royale may be a better movie, but this is the one that set the formula.

Honourable mentions:

• Blade Runner – Dark but so atmospheric, great special effects and a wonderful story that gives sympathy to both sides.
• In Bruges – I was rather late to this party, but such a good story of failed redemption and friendship
• Shaun of the Dead – There are a lot of good zombie movies and this is my favorite with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, unfortunately it’s only a reserve as there is that whole romance between Shaun and Liz.
• Logan’s Run – Michael York and Jenny Agutter eventually see the world for what it really is and bringing down the system. The book is also well worth the effort.
• Oceans 11 (the remake) the original is a fun movie, but seems primarily there to provide an excuse for the rat pack to go to Vegas for a month and have someone else pick up the bill. The remake is just a great heist movie with humour, great characters and a good back-story. O12 was a disappointment, but O13 went back to basics and pulled it off.
• Empire Strikes Back – The best of the six Star Wars movies. The Empire comes out on top, the characters grow and is kinda dark in places, but a little too much romance to make the top 12.
• Blues Brothers – Love this movie, I discovered it in my teens, there is the music, the comedy and of course the car chase.
• CE3K – I can watch this movie over and over again, Richard Dreyfuss is great and I once shared a flight with Bob Balaban (the interpreter) and I got to be an annoying fanboy.
• Great escape – OK, the true story was butchered by Hollywood, but Steve McQueen was so cool.
• Hot fuzz – So damn funny, the buddy-cop movie moved to rural England
• Star Trek (the reboot) – The franchise needed this and the tying in of Spock was very well done.
• Clerks – Kevin Smith gets a couple of mentions, but there is a reason behind that, his humour seems to match mine rather well.
• Kelly’s Heroes – Donald Sutherland as Oddball is almost typecasting, so entertaining
• Flight of the Phoenix – There really had to be a James Stewart film somewhere, and this was him at his at his heroic best
• The Maltese Falcon – watched this last year late one night with dad. As with Stewart, there had to be a Bogart movie on the list
• Animal House – John Belushi was good in The Blues Brothers and brilliant in this one.
• Zulu – Almost made the top 12, Michael Caine
• Dogma – Alanis Morisette as god, Chris Rock, Matt Damon and so on, a great comedy cast and wonderfully told by Kevin Smith
• Casino Royale – A very important Bond movie, it updated the series and brought it into the 21^st century; with out this I think Bond may have died.
• Caddy Shack – Carl v’s the gopher, and the gopher wins
• Tropic Thunder – OK, the story is a little tenuous at best, but some of the best physical comedy I’ve seen for a while. Jack Black has some great moments.
• The Hangover – It was a long time since I laughed this hard at a movie (I think it was Jackass-2, which does not say good things about me). The blu-ray has even more photos from the weekend in Vegas.
• The Aristocrats – Not the Disney movie, this one is a documentary about a joke and is awesome.
• District 9 – There is not been much good, original Sci-fi around recently, this is one of the exceptions.
• Return of the Jedi – Really George you needed to stoop to Ewoks? Almost did not make the list.

Yes, it’s time for the view from the bedroom into the greenbelt. The summer has finally made it to Snohomish, a few days of good weather and despite everything I feel a lot better.

I’ve watched a lot of football in the last couple of weeks on FSN and ESPN (along with Wimbledon and the Tour de France), see a couple of weeks off work have a bright side (and Tour de France every morning live!). While the big European leagues are in their off season there has been plenty of international games with the Woman’s World Cup (yes Karen, the Woman’s World Cup, how times have changed), the Under 21 and Under-17 World Cups, Gold Cup, Copa America along with a few MLS games.

A lot of interesting football played, some very impressive performances. Unfortunately, with the exception of the Woman’s team not too many of them have come from American teams. The 4-2 score in the Gold Cup final was somewhat flattering to the US, Mexico should really have had another couple.

The US Mens U-17 side lost to Uzbekistan and tied New Zealand 0-0 and the U-20 team never even made it to their World Cup loosing 2-1 to mighty Guatemala in the qualifying tournament earlier in the year. For a country that promotes it’s youth system as second to none these are very embarrassing failures and US Soccer president Sunil Gulati has to start by admitting there is s problem with the roots of the game.

The US has more elite level women than the rest of the world combined and needed other results to go their way in the final round of qualifying to get in.  It’s 12 years since they last appeared in the championship game (and that was at home) and this year the opening game saw a very unconvincing 2-0 win over North Korea. Since then it’s got better with the last two games having some very impressive team wide performances and produced entertaining football.

In the junior ranks the Womens U-20s were knocked out by Nigeria in the quarterfinals, the teams worst performance in the tournament ever. But still better than the U-17 who failed to qualify for their World cup.

The US Woman’s team should be good and are performing OK, but anything other than a final appearance would be considered a disappointment. Other than I think it’s fair to say there are issues through the system, the first step is to get US Soccer to admit it.

I think the youth system is in deep trouble, there is a tiny trickle of players coming through. And those that do make it are not technically proficient. Look at the MLS, it’s a physical league and this accurately reflects a youth system that puts athleticism above skill. Winning cups at the U12 and U14 level does nothing to promote great players; the strict grouping by age gives those that physically mature first a huge advantage in the youth game at the expense of the pure skill players.

The few true skill players that come through (Agudel, Adu, Dempsey) the MLS ranks are the exception rather than the rule. Look at players like Messi, Tevez or Arshavin and I wonder if they would have made it through the US Youth system. They are skill players, undersized and because of this may have not have made it with the current setup in the US playing against bigger, more physical players.

If a player is good enough with the ball they should be allowed to play at the best level they can, not be restricted to their age group and that’s it. If a player is skilful enough to play a year or two ahead let them, it can only aid the development of the skill players.

One thing the US youth system does do is preparing kids for the college game. Once again it’s a fast, bruising style of play is reflected in the MLS. Again we have the strict age limits (18-21) in addition to limited technical coaching, restrictions on practice time and some strange substitution rules in the college game it does not prepare players for the top level game.

Compare this to the Academy’s in Europe, there players are prepared to play the way the club demands from the beginning. If a kid is good enough to play the next level then they will be challenged. They get good technical training, access to great facilities and once they hit 16 no limits on training.

Ok, so I think there are issues in the roots of the game. The MLS reflects the system that supplies it, and unfortunately the US Men’s National Team does the same. I think it’s time from Bob Bradley to go, players don’t look motivated or interested, are struggling against teams they should beat and according to whispered rumours in the media he’s lost the team. He inherited a very proficient and well drilled squad from Bruce Arena. But there seems to have been no development since then, they play in the same physical way while the best CONCACAF (the real opposition, the teams they need to beat to be in Brazil 2014) teams have tactically moved forward with a more passing orientated game.

The USMNT still relies on out-dated route-1 football with Landon Donovan holding everything together. There are few MLS players in the starting 11, most of the squad are European based, coming off along year and having to fly to the US for midweek friendlies 6 or 7 times in the last year.

Why not have the camps in Europe during the season? Plenty of other countries do, for precisely this reason, most of their players are based there. It’s not exactly out the box thinking…

A very interesting hour with the surgeon to go along with more testing. We spoke last week, but that was business and I was not at my best, today he gave me an hour of his time to go over what happened last week and what happens next.

I’m starting to understand how difficult the surgery was, all the work was done looking through a microscope with tint drill bits (and I got the technical specs Min wanted) through a 2 inch inch by two inch incision.

He was talking about the method he used, why it was made more complex by the “high routing” of my Sigmoid Sinus and internal Jugular (“I was drilling and I saw a lot of blue through the hole It’s not often the nurses stop talking, but the theatre was very quiet just then…”).

He then pulled out a book to show what he was talking about. It was slightly disturbing, but it’s not often you get this sort of uninterrupted time with a great surgeon talking about something he is very passionate about. It was disturbing because he’s talking about me in such an off hand way.

“Now I’ve never actually blown out a jugular myself, but it’s very messy and was a real worry…”

He looked at me and I think and realized I’d like a little reassuring at this point.

“But we had patches ready…”

Pause…

“And you have two of them…“

Pause…

“And its draining blood from the brain, not sending it in so we would have had time…”

OK, starting to feel a little better…

Then we went to the white board and the play by play of what the issues were. Where my Sigmoid runs, where the cancer was, what they were able to remove, where they removed bone and what the Ti insert in my ear looks like.

He said this was the toughest one he’s had in a few years, but in the end it went as well as it could have gone. I feel happier and happier with the staff around me, they have taken great care of me every time I walk into the office. The down side is they never got all the tumour, in his opinion chemo is going to be required and that we will need to cut at least once more in a few months time.

I took a balance test and a couple of hearing tests. It seems the nerves in my right ear are in good condition despite only hearing in mono for now. There is some damage, but I could get some hearing back, but that may need some reconstructive surgery in the future.

The balance is a worry, he said it’s OK to drive on, but not too far and no going over the passes. My right ear can’t cope with the pressure change and being able to fly is a month or two away.

I’ve a long list of what I need to do over the next few weeks and months. I’ve a couple of doctors appointments next week, with both the surgeon and oncologist. It’s going to a long few weeks and I’ve still a lot of pain, but I feel more confident than ever in my choices.

Today was a day with a number of positives. First I managed a few hours of work and went into the office for almost three hours this morning. That’s the most I’ve done in a week, and in the big scheme of things it’s not much and I took a two hour nap this afternoon, but I’ll take it.

Vision is getting better, good enough to drive today with out worry and another move in the right direction. Still a lot of pain, a little blood and there is a strange grinding sensation in my neck when ever I move my head to the right. There are a couple of other things on my list

Big doctors visit tomorrow, but that’s a full night of sleep away. One of the huge things I’ve got from this is I’m feeling more rested than at any time since I was a student. Full nights sleep and doing a really good job listening to my body, I need to start translating that to more energy during the day, but it’s a great start.

I received a lot of mail and comments today, mostly about yesterdays post and I’ll get to that in a moment. But one about my ex that claims to be from a very disgruntled other-half of some guy she met online. There was a lot of detail that I really don’t care about, drama I’m not interested in and I’ve no idea what to do other than laugh.

While we are in the subject I asked her to sign a piece of paper removing her as my beneficiary, this was before surgery last week and it was important to me. I should have done this a year ago and despite the urging of her lawyer, she refused to sign. My will and instructions are very clear and it’s not like her not signing it made any difference to my beneficiaries, it was just easier for everyone and another example of how she is. In the big scheme of things the lawyer stuff is number 5 or 6 on my list of big stuff going on right now.

It’s nice to be surrounded by professionals who just take care of my stuff for me.

One thing I know is life does not go to plan and an email that arrived in my inbox this morning grabbed my attention. Actually more than that got me, but one in particular made a great point today. She said when things go bad we have two choices, “We can jump down the well with the doom and gloom, or we can greave for the moment and then stand up and face the future with open eyes.”

I know which choice I made, and how I want to live my life. Like is so short, we get such a short time to experience all these wonderful moments that make it so special. When I read the email, I thought of the emotions, the sharing, friendships and moments that make this so special. I do feel very emotional right now, more than I have in years and that’s a good thing.

A second email that really stopped me in my tracks was this: “It seems to me that there is nothing really “challenging” about a disease. You are just a victim, and more to the point a passive one.” I’m still not sure how to answer this comment and I am trying to understand where it’s are coming from. I agree that going through something like this does not one make a kinder or wiser person and I’m not saying that it does. I’m saying it can lead, if you want it to, to a life that appreciates what is important. This is not about the event, it’s about how I respond to it and I find some consolation in that. It’s tough and once again, as I do every day, I stand by everything I’ve written.

Before I finish today I want to say a very big thank you. First to all those who found a moment to write or leave a comment. And Ben for yesterday, taking care of me and making sure I made it back home. I still don’t like the feeling of being unable to drive myself and reliant upon friends, but am very lucky that I can be.

I have been given an opportunity to take part in an incredible adventure. My life is full of meaning, I have reconnected with friends and family in ways I’ve never known. I am loved, appreciated and feel overwhelmed by what people have done for me over the last couple of weeks.

What is important has been completely re-written for me. I have a new understanding that changed so much of what I believe in. I have been challenged, my friends and family have been challenged by this, and together we will not be found wanting.

I have been humbled, tested and inspired by the people I choose to share my life with. It is my privilege to have these people in my life, and every day these unassuming, modest people do something incredible and pass it off as nothing.

This has changed my life. And I have no doubt will continue to do so in ways I can’t imagine today. And I get six weeks of not working if I want it, I will catch up on my sleep, my reading, meet new people, and at the end of it have a  new appreciation for all the energy I have.

My name is David, and I have cancer.

Does not matter how bad I feel, and today is not great again, there is something about a cat climbing on you and settling down that makes it all a little better.