Physically the toughest day so far, I’d never have thought that spending a couple of hours on the sofa watching the Sounders give Red Bull a good thrashing would take it out of me like this, but it did.

I awoke with a murderous headache, two vicodin and a couple of glasses of water took the edge off and I went back to sleep this morning. Couple of hours later I awoke again, felt marginally better, the worst of the headache was gone, but I could not see straight. The world was very blurred, this was on the “if this happens call me now” list of bad stuff.

So, no panic but straight off to the doctors office. Turns out some of the post operative swelling is putting pressure on my right eye, distorting the eyeball and making life interesting. So some really nice prescription antihistamines that knocked me out for a few hours tonight.

Got up, returned a couple of calls and while the pain is still there, it’s dulled somewhat and I feel much better. Still not able to focus well enough to drive, but could blow the text size up on my computer and make out the caller ID on my phone, and that’s way better than this morning.

This has been a rough day, unquestionably the roughest day post-op.

When I went through this last time I’d take time to wander around the UW, it’s next to the doctors and today I was determined to do so again, as bad as I felt there was something therapeutic about getting out into the sun for 10 minutes. I was a little unsteady, but wandering around the quiet campus was important today. I needed to show myself (and to some extent those around me) some progress today, it’s been a tough one.

And then on top of that, on the way home I got phone call from the State Patrol who asked a couple of general and then rather pointed questions, I think you can guess who that involves. I’ll deal with it next week. It’s been a day and once again I have the best support group ever.

After five days the swelling and bruising is much better, the pain and discharge are still there, but it’s progress.

I never had enough energy to head into Seattle for one of the Sounders games I had circled when the schedule came out.

New York (even with out Henry) was one of the big ones and ESPN2 missed the first 10 minutes when the Cal-Virginia baseball game went over. The apology tweet from Alexi Lalas was nice, but come one, Cal were 8-1 down with two out in the 9^th it really was long over.

“On paper” this looked like a solid chance for the Sounders to get three points. Through a combination of injury, suspension and international call ups NYRB were missing Marquez, Ream, Juan Agudelo (maybe the best player to come out of the US youth system yet), Henry and Rodgers were all starters that were missing.

Despite being shorthanded NYRB is a side that’s not had issues scoring, putting three past Portland on Sunday (and conceding three to be fair) and winning 2-1 against New England before that.

When ESPN2 finally cut to the game the first thing we saw was Freiberg control the ball with a beautiful first touch to control the ball and a then put it away with a curling ball into the far corner. A really well taken goal to put Seattle up 1-0.

No idea what happened in the previous 10 minutes, but this was a good start. Then it got even better when a minute or so later it was Alonso’s turn. A defensive header fell just right for Alonso to put away on with a great volley that took a deflection to give the keeper no chance.

Over the next few minutes it turned into a very open, entertaining game.

Dane Richards scored for New York about half an hour in. he used his pace to creat a little space and put the ball over Keller. Keller may have been unsighted by Zack Scott (replacing the suspended Hurtado), but it was a good finish to a well put together chance.

The second half started the way the first ended, with chances at both ends. This was turning into a very entertaining game for football. Both sides had some great chances and goals were going to come.

Unfortunately it was Zack Scott that scored with a toe poke past Keller for an own goal. Nothing the keeper or the defender could do, but it came during a period of consistent New York pressure where Seattle really had their backs to the wall for a period.

It really was anyone’s game at his point and it took a third goal from a corner to put Seattle ahead. Rosales one again the provider, this time it was Levesque with a flick on header inside the near post. Roger does not score often, but he soon followed it us with his second of the night when he took the ball off the NY keeper and slotted it home in the empty net to make it 4-2 with 15 minutes left to play.

There were a couple of positives for Seattle. Three goals came from corners (set pieces have been an issue). Three of the four goals were scored by attacking players and the own goal Zack Scott gave away was plain unlucky.

On the other side of the equation Alonso picked up his fifth yellow and will miss the New England game (his first game off this season). Montero did not look 100% and never had any really clear chances. The biggest issue may have been the defense. I’m not sure why Scott was preferred over Pat Ianni with Hurtardo suspended. Scott did look a little out of his depth, it seemed like nearly everything dangerous was coming past Scott in the middle of defense.

The whole of Royal Brougham Park (or Century Link if you prefer) was opened up tonight. This game was part of a package that included the Manchester United game and the 46,000 there saw a very entertaining game of football this evening with three points collected. As nice as it was sitting there with the cat, it would have been better to be at RBP.

In the last 12 months…

• 9 countries
• 28 cities I’ve overnighted in
• 3 people I played tennis with
• 0 people I’ve beaten playing tennis
• 43 flights
• 9 different airlines
• 12 upgrades on Delta
• 2 Upgrades on BA
• 17 nights in Guildford
• 2 Grand Prix
• 23 different airports
• 1 RCMP that I had dinner with
• 1 Adult actress I had dinner with
• 21 Sounders games
• 26 professional football games
• 2 wonderful Sunday afternoons eating BBQ on the deck I built
• 4932 photographs taken with my now beat up, but rugged and reliable Canon S90.
• 350 of those photos made it onto the blog
• 7 photos used on someone elses blog with permission
• 10 photos that were on someone elses blog without permission
• 2 days of rallying
• 3 Mariners games
• 1 wedding
• 1 funeral
• 7 really, really good, memorable restaurants I ate in
• 2 of those really, really good, memorable restaurants that were in London
• 1 new laptop
• 2 karaoke songs
• 9 Grand Prix won by Sebastian Vettel
• 0 times I saw Sebastian Vettel win a Grand Prix
• 3 Emergency Room visits
• 5 times someone tried to get me to go to yoga (really… Do I look like a yoga person?)
• 2 Conferences
• 4 visits to the Tate Modern
• 8,348,832 moments where I count my blessings for my wonderful family, incredible friends and the amazing things I have done in the last year.

Its done, surgery went on for just about nine and a half hours and thankfully the last thing I remember before the recovery room is being told to take a couple of deep breaths and count backwards from 10, last number I recall getting out was 8.

I was told in recovery (and some of this comes from Min, who had her shit together better than I did at that moment) that everything went very well. The important part is that the tumour was removed and the surgery went about as well as it is possibly could have.

Today I had a call from the surgeon where we went through what happened, that more of the base of my skull had to be removed than he hoped, and that took the time as it was very delicate and required using a smaller, more precise auger than he’d usually use. If all the tumour was not removed it has plenty of space to grow into over the next month or two without getting into anything vital. I prefer to see it as glass half–full.

My balance is OK, I’m struggling to get through doorways with out hitting them. That’s is hopefully down to only having one good ear and it will get better. During surgery they had to remove the bones in my eardrum and did a partial rebuild with some very sexy looking titanium pieces that should restore some hearing to my right ear, but we won’t know for sure until the swelling goes down.

There has been a lot of pain (and great pain drugs) and when I took the dressing off there was more blood than I was told to expect. The eardrum is still bleeding, but the incision around the back of the ear cleaned up OK at the clinic. I really don’t look good with a shaved head.

Thanks to Min for the ride, thanks my dear your presence when I came around meant so much. To Rob and J for hanging out with me last night and today. And to everyone else for the e-mails, calls and texts. I have the best support group, even the nurse yesterday said that.

I went to Safeway to get some cat litter today, upon reflection that was a mistake and I felt far more out of it than I expected. It’s a drive I’ve done 100’s of times and it took so much concentration to remember where I was going. I’ve learned from that error.

Time for more nasty drugs and a nap. Next doctors appointment is Thursday and then more recovery.

I could not sleep last night, not really surprising considering, so if this does not make much sense then that’s what I’ll blame it on rather than the usual narcissism and lack of talent. I was sitting in my office at home and pulled out some slides (as in photo slides) of a trip I took in ’92 to South East Asia. I’ve talked about this briefly before; the short version is I was traveling through South East Asia for a few months accompanied by a Swiss girl, Lili. It was a wonderful time, having the chance to fully indulge a passion and just what people in their 20’s should take the opportunity to do.

This all happened in late March, about 10 days after we watched sunrise sitting on top of an active volcano. We traveled across the Bali Straight from Java to Bali and down to the tourist resort of Kuta. We spent a few days there before heading up into the mountains of Bali and Ubud. The mountains of Bali are just beautiful and I really need to find a way to get some of my slides scanned. After Ubud and the Elephant temple, Monkey forest and just wonderful scenery we ended up in Lovina. It is a stunning place, 5 miles of unspoilt black sand beach looking over a beautiful, beautiful bay. Bali is a beautiful place and this was a lifetime away from the crowded beached of Kuta and Nusa Dua.

Lovina is known for two things, the fantastic beach and dolphins. And like most tourists that ended up there, we were there for the latter, but the beach was wonderful.

Throughout Indonesia there is someone selling something, at Lovina it was Sarongs and boat rides to see the dolphins. As we stepped onto the beach we were greeted with “Sarong… You buy sarong…” repeated over and over by a couple of persistent sales women. According to my diary we brought four sarongs between us as presents for 20,000 rupiah, which was about $7 at the time.

We weren’t there to shop; we were there for the dolphins. That meant we had to get up at 6am, walk down to the beach and get on a boat that motored out into the bay.

At the time I wrote, “There were 4 of us on the narrow boat and we were joined by other boats, I counted 17 in total. All jockeying for position in the bay. One of the boats spotted the school of dolphins, the call went out and off they went.”

“The dolphins were coming right up to the sides of the boats and after a couple of minutes the dolphins disappeared under the water.  The boats slow until someone spots them and the chase is on again. The dolphins come right up to the boats and the whole thing was well worth the early start.”

Indonesia really was one of my top traveling experiences. Yeah, you can enjoy great beaches and nightlife at places like Kuta, but there is so much more to see like the history of Borobudur and the beauty of Ubud. It’s a vast country, and I saw very little of it, but what I did was wonderful. It was traveling at its finest, adventurous, off the beaten track with welcoming hosts and so much to experience.

It has been a weekend with a lot to get done, a lot to prepare for, drugs to be taken, house to be cleaned and thoughts to be distracted. As part of that I took a trip Safeco to watch a rather resurgent Mariners team taking on the leagues best in Philadelphia. A good Mariners win, he first I’ve seen since last May I think. A beautiful night for baseball.

Today is surgery, I’m getting picked up at 6 to head to the hospital, and I’m scared. I’ve had friends phoning and just seeing how I am, friends are planning on staying over once I’m home and I’m so grateful for all the offers of help and messages of support.

Today as part of the preparation I got my head buzzed, #0 blade all over, and it’s not a good look for me.

The distractions have been good, thanks guys.

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

What a day, a lot to think about and not much to say right now. The problems with the tumour are more significant than we hoped for, so round one of surgery has been brought forward 5 weeks to next week. Finish the current round of chemo and then it’s time to open me up and start trimming pieces out.

There are a couple of big issues, but the biggest is the tumour putting pressure on the jugular. This is increasing the blood pressure in my brain and it needs to be taken care of quickly. Out of everything we talked about, looked at, poked and prodded at for four hours today with the surgeon and oncologist, taking a scalpel to something around my jugular scares me the most.

And I think that’s a reasonable thing to be scared at.

I’m so touched by the support and calls I’ve received over the last few days. Friends I saw in Montreal who called to see what the results were, someone who insisted they be there for me today, bosses at work who shared personal experiences and called HR managers to make sure I had what I needed. People have insisted they are taking me there, waiting for me, staying overnight and so on, and so on.

Thanks guys, all of you, I promise I’ll find a way to show you how I appreciate it.

I’ve been plenty emotional today, not unreasonably. The most emotional part was when someone said not to worry about the cats, they would be looked after if anything happened. We both lost it at that moment.

I exchanged some interesting email over what I wrote about the whole “think positive and you’ll be just fine” thing I posted a last week. Most agreeing, but two were rather upset with me about it. I stand by what I said (as I do everything published here), I do think it’s an issue and I get the supporters have different coping mechanisms and that being positive may be important to some.

My first thought was that they came across as rather selfish people, but after a little thought I decided I was being very unfair. They need a way to cope too. It’s something that it’s easy to overlook and my initial reaction was “it’s about the patient!” was somewhat unreasonable. Others are affected by it too, have their own reactions and I was unfair in dismissing those.

It’s not about an individual, while some peoples wishes carry more weight than others, it is how everyone works as a group to support each other that matters. For me humour is important, no matter how dark it gets.

Over the last year I understand my ex has expressed the wish that I die to her friends, OK I get there was emotion that accompanied those outbursts, she regularly said it about her kids dad, so I’ve heard it before.

I’m not planning on making her day any time soon. She also thought the timing was “convenient” and I don’t understand for what, but she does live in an interesting world.

Friday I got an email from someone that so caught what I meant that I replied and also asked permission to publish some here.

In part she said “I loved your post [the positive thinking one] it is something some of those around have been sucked into believing, and they are days when I just did not feel positive. [A friend] even gave me a book that that said I was somehow to blame for my melanoma. I became furious at the suggestion that I went through his because I wanted to…”

I have never heard that before, but a little searching found that this is a surprisingly widely held belief and there are indeed a number of authors making money off this.

The books framed accusing questions, such as “Why did you need to get cancer?” that suggest that the patient must have willed it to happen.

While doing a little digging I did find a piece touching on this from a former mayor of Princeton, Barbara Boggs Sigmund. It was a New York Times editorial in which she talked of her anger at a writer that wrote “I had caused my own cancer” through a “lack of self-love, and that consequently, it was up to me to cure it.” Barbara Boggs Sigmund died of cancer aged 51.

There is a theory that (and again I quote Ms. Sigmund, who is far more literate than I) “cancer cells are internalized anger gone on a field trip all over our bodies”.

Talk to a doctor, the cause for most tumors is at best unclear any perceived lack of self-worth on my part has no role in growing the bitch behind my right ear.

Yes I’m calm about it, I was told unnaturally so last week, but as I said before a combination of denial and the stoic “get on with it” is how I deal with it (and looking forward to a grand prix weekend was a huge distraction last week). I have some of the best people around me on many levels, from a top-notch surgeon to wonderful friends who seem to know what to say.

To surmise some of the reading I’ve done over the last few days. Every day we learn more about tumour prevention and treatment, yes there are habits and environmental factors that do increase cancer risk. But aside from cigarette smoking and lung cancer, the links are just not that clear cut when it comes to the cause of most growths.

I was talking to a doctor about this last night and he was fully aware of this blaming the patient for the disease thing. He said that it probably comes from that the fact that cancer has been a mystery for so long, both the cause and cure. His thought was that when we know little about something it becomes even more frightening and ideas like this develop in an attempt to explain it.

A great weekend and the decision to make my travel days a little more relaxed was awesome. No red eye flight after the race, just time for a relaxed drive to Burlington and a lunchtime flight home. All very relaxed and civilized.

I got back to the hotel about 6 last night, dried off and grabbed something light to eat. No post-race party, it was back to the hotel, start the next round of drugs and headed to bed by 7:30 last night. No my ideal post-race celebration, especially after such an incident filled race.

The drive through Southern Quebec to Burlington was wonderful, it’s a very pretty part of the world. It gets rural rather quickly after leaving Monteal, as the city gives way to a series of rolling hills and small farms.

This afternoon I had a short layover in Detroit (thankfully this is the time I get to say that for a while) and got a message from my doctor, not good news and something else to heap onto the plate. I was booked for a scan and another visit with him tomorrow anyway, but now we have more to talk about.

Now if there is one bright thing to come out of this it’s that I’ve been able to offload my work travel onto others. I was supposed to be heading to Charleston next week, but not any more. It’s a rather thin silver lining, but I found one.

So we made it through to race day and the weather was per forecast – wet. Personally, I like watching wet races, it adds a lot of unknowns to the equation. One of the big unknowns was how the cars will work on the Pirelli wets and intermediate tires as the teams have done little or no testing on them.

And today delivered, I’ve no idea when there was a race as full as this one. Today was why racing can be so special. It was a absolute top drawer drive from Jenson Button, 21^st and dead last to top step of the podium. Being in the wonderful position of having no real skin in the game I was able to sit back and enjoy the spectacle that unfolded in front of me.

This has been a great Grand Prix weekend, Montreal is a city that totally embraces this race, and downtown hums every evening over the weekend. I was lucky I had invites to a couple of events, but even without that there is so much going on. Boredom is never an option in this city. ”’i just wish I’d had the energy to keep up with the parties, receptions and events that I got invites too.

The race was stopped after 30ish laps due to rain, it was coming down so hard and from my seat at the second hairpin there was no cover. I had a couple of options on where to watch from and for me this is the pace to watch a F1 car in action. Braking from 305KPH to 50 and then accelerating through the gears as it pulls away. Add a wet track to the mix and the braking zone became a very exciting place to watch.

It took a little over two hours before the race restarted, I think they were a little too conservative, most of the standing water had been removed and the rain had stopped.

Prior to the restart I moved a grandstand after the final chicane. Mostly because it was under cover, a little late as I was soaked through, but it provided a wonderful spot to watch the race unfold with so much happening right in front of me.

Where I ended up had the England-Spain game from the UEFA U21 championship on TV, at half time the TV got switched back to the race channel and we were off again. Unfortunately it was behind the Safety car, but after two hours all I cared about is we were going again..

The race went green and almost immediately it drying out and once someone showed the switch to intermediates was a good idea everyone would go. Four laps later everything started to happen.

Alonso was high centred after a coming together with Button (who was having a busy afternoon). This brought out the safety car once again, and Button came in for his fifth stop of the afternoon. He left with a new wing and fresh rubber. Alonso was out and Button was dead last of the 21 cars left running.

Nearly everyone took the opportunity to come in after the Safety car left to change from wets to intermediate tires.

A fantastic battle was emerging for seconds between Kobiayashi (really good in the wet, lost time as it dried. Japan may be yet to produce a world champion, but Japanese drivers all know how to drive in the wet), Massa and Schumacher. Schumacher looked excellent and went from fourth to second just before everyone decided pretty much en-mass that it was time for slicks.

There was enough of a dry line that emerging that slicks were the right decision and were worth an immediate 3-4 seconds a lap advantage. Schumacher looked like this may be the comeback race that will show he is still to be reckoned with. He went for it on slicks, showed flashes of what we expected when he came back last year, and looked especially good under braking.

Another safety car closed everyone up again, this was turning into a very fun race with so much going on up and down the field. Out front Vettel looked comfortable, he was a happy 5 or 6 seconds in front and seemed to be able to keep that distance what ever happened behind him.

Most notable, Button went from 21^st to fourth in about 20 laps and was not done yet. Webber made a mistake and Button took third and shortly afterwards took care of Schumacher as they crossed the start line. Schumacher on the dry line and Button deep into the damp part of the track with the DRS deployed. It was brilliant, brilliant stuff from Button, taking huge risks going onto the damp track looking for the opportunity.

There were 4 laps left, Button was second, taking significant time out of Vettel every lap and the German was unable to respond. On the penultimate lap Vettel made a huge mistake and had a big tail out moment (not sure where, second chicane maybe) that gave Button the chance he needed to take the lead.  I think Turkey last year was the last big mistake I can think of from Vettel, considering how dominant he’s been since then that’s remarkable.

This was a great individual drive, not in a “Senna at Donnington – genius at work” way, because anything could have happened today. That Sunday at Donnington we watched a master in control, today was an inspired drive by Jenson Button, but one full risks. He got a little luck to go his way (and a mistake by clearly the best driver in the sport) and made the best of it. I don’t mean to diminish what Button achieved, as he drove a great race and must be very satisfied with his drive, it was a privilege to watch.

This is one of the most memorable races I’ve ever seen in 25 years of following the sport, and not just because I was there. This contained everything a great sporting moment needs, drama, unpredictability, someone riding their luck a little and producing something spectacular from it.

I was soaked to the skin, and I mean soaked. Even my wallet was saturated, I just hope the camera starts working again when it dries out.

Time to head back to the hotel, dry out and think about dinner tonight. Wet races are unpredictable, and today was no different. That was an outstanding race, and England came back to draw 1-1 with Spain. Thank you to Brian, Joel and Sue for the tickets. This was a great weekend of racing. I love this sport.

Oh yeah, one last thing, it started sheeting down with rain again a few minutes after the race finished.

This is a very real thing, it’s presence if far more tangible as I feel its pressure 24 hours a day on my ear. There is no escaping what is going on and this is making it much harder in some respects.

It’s more than being unable hear out my right ear, I feel it every moment of the day, and it’s tough to be reminded of it’s presence like that. It’s there every time I close my jaw. I can put my hand against my neck and feel it, there is no looking for it, it is there.

Look at the CAT scans and it’s clear what is going wrong, where there is supposed to be air (dark) there is a mass (light). On the left you can see my ear drum and canal, on the right it’s not there. Compare side to side and it’s not symmetrical and it’s supposed to be.

This scared the living shit out of me, it’s not supposed to look like that. Even I can see that.

Do I feel sorry for myself, I don’t think so, but I’m perhaps not the best judge of that. I have dark moments and I think that’s inevitable, but I do believe in my strength and myself. I do believe in the people I choose to have in my life and feel very fortunate.

I am lucky, I am spending the weekend doing something I have a passion for. The hospitality shown to me has been wonderful, it’s been much more than just a “race weekend”. The first five-day course of drugs is long over, I don’t start the nasty stuff again until tonight and that gave me three days to have fun. Yeah I still have to take the antibiotics, steroids and so on, yes I still need to nap (one of the bonuses this weekend has been to catch up on sleep) and be careful, but no blackberry, no checking in with work and that’s part of what I need.