We met for dinner in Vieux Montreal, the old part of town, before heading off to a quiet party. Montreal has a well-deserved reputation for being very “European”, and in large part that’s because of Vieux Montreal. It’s been maybe 15 years since I last spent a night out here it’s full of great restaurants and a party we had secured invites too.

There was no getting away from the master here, he won at Circuit Giles Villeneuve twice (88 and 90) and tonight there was a reception and a showing of the Senna movie for those who were interested. Lets face it, for this crowd it was an easy sell, there were not many who passed up the opportunity. To do the while “full circle” thing, it was a Lotus-Renault (in black and gold no less) that Ayrton Senna had his first win in.

Early in his career James Hunt called him a “staggering talent”. I was lucky enough to meet him briefly on a couple of occasions and was there to witness his incredible drive at the European GP in ‘93. The best drive certainly I’ve ever seen and I don’t think its hyperbole to call it one of the best drives in the history of the sport.

One of the quotes from the movie that stuck with me was: “The harder I push, the more I find within myself. I am always looking for the next step, a different world to go into, areas where I have not been before. It’s lonely driving a Grand Prix car, but very absorbing. I have experienced new sensations and I want more. That is my excitement, my motivation.”

I was not after a late night and once the movie was over took a short taxi ride back to the hotel and was in bed by 10 (almost an all-nighter for me). It was a great movie, very personal, very emotional and told the story through both archive interviews and talks with people who knew him and competed against him. The tribute from Alain Prost was very moving. The personal highlight was him winning in Brazil, it showed what sport can mean to people, the emotion was clear and overwhelming. It has to be seen, it was extraordinary. I feel very fortunate to have met Ayrton Senna, even if it was little more than shaking his hand. He really was one of the true greats of the sport.

So today was final practice followed a couple of hours later by qualifying. A very interesting day at the track. Vettel looked good, easily leading the practice session and took a fairly comfortable pole by almost two-tenths of a second.

Ferrari (and their thousands of supporters) must be content with their speed this weekend. A little distance behind Vettel, but clear of everyone else.

The practice session ended early when Sauber driver Pedro de la Rosa (who will be buying a lot of mechanics dinner tonight) brought out the red flag right at the end after damaging both the front and the back of his Sauber exiting Turn Four. It was clear early that the McLarens were off the pace this morning, taking fifth and sixth, and well over a second off the pace.

One note, Mark Webber never took part in the morning session after problems with the car.

Then to qualifying and times were not for credit. The Q1 session (to get the top 17) threw up a couple of surprises, the HRT have been (relatively) quick this weekend, both drivers qualified comfortably and for once was not bottom of the timesheets, that honour went to Jerome D’Ambrosio’s Virgin. Liuzzi had a big spin in Q1, but ended up 21^st (out of 24) and the team seemed very happy with having both cars in the race.

Best of the new boys was Lotus (as usual), but still a little space to make up with the rest. Jaime Alguersuari was the last driver not to make it to Q2, the team has looked good at times this year and this is about where he’s been all weekend (I love having the printouts, makes it easier to compare).

After Q2 it was the usual suspects, Red Bull, Renault (paint looks even better up close), Ferrari, McLaren and Mercedes all made it through to the final qualifying session.

This Q3 session does make great TV and today worked well live. It’s a very exciting five minutes with drivers clearly driving right on the edge in the hunt for pole.

Vettel really did look in control and knew what he had to do, and did it. He does make it look effortless and that’s the sign of a great driver. And unlike that “other” German actually seems to have a personality.

Alonso won the battle between the two Ferraris, beating Massa by a tiny 18-hundreths of a second. Alonso’s final lap was on the monitors at the track and he looked like he gave it everything to claim P2. Great stuff to watch.

Mark Webber was fourth, while McLaren and Lewis Hamilton were disappointed with only fifth. Nico Rosberg was sixth, Button seventh ahead of Schumacher. There is a significant gap between these drivers and the top three.

I get the feeling McLaren fancied their chances this weekend; they are off the pace and seemed rather mystified as to why.

Qualifying behind both Red Bulls and Ferraris was unexpected. A lot of people felt this was the weekend they track were supposed to start to make up ground and the ultimate pace is not close. Tomorrow is race day, nothing counts for points yet, but there were a lot of worried looks on the faces of the McLaren engineers this evening as they try to work out a solution.

The biggest question is what’s the weather going to do. The forecast is for showers tonight and through out tomorrow. That will make for a very difficult and unpredictable day for all.

What ever happens it’s going to be fun tomorrow. All by itself the noise of 24 F1 cars live is earth shatteringly incredible. Tonight is a reception and once again I will use the trouser press for something other than making toasties…

Time to leave the track, back to the hotel and nap time!

Made it to the track for the afternoon practice session. It was stopped a couple of times for accidents, but it ended with Alonso fastest, almost 0.369 seconds ahead of Vettel. Massa was third, Ferrari must be happy with that, even if in reality it means very little. McLarens are fourth and fifth, while di Resta ends a creditable sixth.

Good gosh it’s fun to hear F1 cars being driven in anger again. Very much looking forward to qualifying tomorrow when drivers start to push a little harder.

Big thank you for Brian for the tickets and invite to dinner tonight, time to press my trousers and put on a clean shirt :). But first it’s nap time for an hour or two.

I’ve been to Detroit Airport a few times, but this is the first longish layover (the Delta lounge is large and very good here) and I’d forgotten how big a 120 gate terminal is, it’s about a mile from end to end and has a train running the length of it.

Not interesting to most, but I thought it worth mentioning.

During the doctors appointment yesterday I had a brief talk about how I feel, what’s going on and for the second time in the same day “the tyranny of positive thinking” was mentioned. Now I get my humour is black and a couple of people have expressed issues with the way in which my friends so casually divided up my stuff last weekend.

There is a notion that feeling scared shitless, sad, upset, pissed off or angry at life is not allowed when something big happens. The theory says you have to face it with a positive attitude. That somehow feeling upbeat and positive all the time will help.

Am I in control of my emotions? No more or less so than others, so the answer is no, not all the time

There is a belief that when faced with a big problem like this, facing it with anything other than a positive frame of mind means the battle is lost. It’s on TV, in magazine and there are shelves full of self-help books in any bookshop.

Actually “belief” maybe too strong a word, there are a lot of people publishing books, appearing on TV shows and writing magazine articles pimping this “think yourself well or die” stuff that you know a lot of people are making a mint off this idea.

And doctors and therapists seem united that it’s all total bullshit.

I know personally this is about the scariest and most emotionally consuming thing I’ve ever been through, and the last 18 months has been full of them. I’ve got a great support group of both professionals and those I’m close too and I have moments when I feel so fucked.

Never hopeless, but it’s a very real fear. I noticed today I was stumbling a little, I’d catch myself and a few steps later it happened again and only with my left foot. It maybe nothing, may just be that I’m wearing new shoes, or it could be sign of something bigger.

It was the same last night in the food store, I totally forgot what I came in for and was aimlessly standing in the aisle admiring the great selection of toothpastes when I came in for something else entirely, I just could not remember what. Short-term memory was something I was told could be an issue until the tumour starts shrinking. I’ll make a note and carry on doing what I’ve been told. Does it scare the living shit out of me, absolutely and that does not make me a bad patient (two pints with dinner Tuesday night took care of that “label”).

There is a bunch of bullshit and hype that says if you don’t have a positive attitude and that if you let it get the better of you, then you end up in a depressed cycle and you are feeding the tumour in some way.

This totally invalidates people’s natural (and lets be clear here, very understandable) reaction to having “that” conversation. I spoke to one of the group therapy leaders prior to joining the group next week and she was the first person on Wednesday to refer to “the tyranny of positive thinking”.

She said well-meaning families have brought the problem to her, one of whom said something along the lines of “He is going to die because he is not positive about the outcome.” She was no longer surprised that families feel this and works hard to make it clear this is not everyone’s style.

Lets face it the Kean way of dealing with these things is a stoic “Oh well…” with a smidge of denial mixed in. It helps me and this is so ingrained that a couple of self-help books is not going to dent it.

Insisting that I put on a happy face and cope in a way that would be against all my natural instincts would be would be an added burden. This is a coping mechanism that has worked for generations, I’m not saying it’s the best, or even the most effective, but on June 9^th it works for me.

This is the banner draped on the control tower at Vancouver Airport, yeah it’s kind of a big deal…

…Since I was in Toronto.

A day with long and very detailed meetings at the vendor, it feels like I may actually be starting to get some of this process stuff. This is as much of a surprise to me as it probably is to my boss. It does seem like a long way to come for a one day of meetings and I’m going to be very happy to get home, even briefly, but the effort was worth it.

Additionally to shake hands with people who up to now have just been voices on phone conferences is always time well spent.

After work and a nap the three of us on the trip took off for an evening out in Toronto. A couple of people recommended a restaurant in the Distillery Historic District, a few streets of some rather nicely preserved buildings. Clearly this is a very trendy part of town, certainly rather busy for a Tuesday night with lots of good people watching. It was not a bad way to blow a couple of hours sitting outside on a warm evening with a few laughs to round off the trip.

It’s been almost 20 years since I’ve been to Toronto. For the other two this was their first time here, so after dinner we did what tourists do. In Seattle you go up the Space Needle, in Toronto you go up it’s big brother, the CN Tower.

One of the things I’ve found over the last few days is how much my joints ache, the anti inflammatory I took today helped a little, but it’s took something a little stronger to help me sleep last night, despite feeling dead tired.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with friends. A little time sitting on the beach and a quiet drink, followed by nap (which came after day-2, I’m really appreciating naps again) and then an evening sitting on the deck with friends drinking chocolate Martinis, explaining cricket, looking at CAT scans, deciding who is getting what,  joking about work, telling rally stories and generally laughing my ass off.

It got pretty dark at times and it is a very different type of therapy, but damned effective last night.

Tracy get’s the Miata, she asked first. Carey gets the tools, he desperately needs some level of organization to his garage. Mindy gets to spread some of my ashes on my favourite rally stages, a little on Pikes Peak on the open hairpin bellow the W’s and a little more on the E-town stage in Maine, specifically on the “R4/C> !TREE OUTSIDE” (she was clear she needs some explicit instructions on the where). Mathew has first pick of my prints and on it went…

Yeah it was jet-black humour at times, but by fuck it was effective to know I have friends who know me well enough and were willing to go there. Being more of a quiet, sober observer last night perhaps made it even more effective.

And if the unsteady stagger to the car in heels was anything to go by (which got an ovation from those of us watching from the house, it was that impressive) at least one person will be keeping her husband awake tonight driving the porcelain bus.

Monday morning started way too early, as Mondays tend to do, with a drive to Vancouver to catch a direct flight to Toronto. The drive was almost spot on two hours and other than the early start a breeze. But in return for dragging my arse out of bed at 3:15 I was rewarded with a just magnificent sunrise over the Cascades.

The northwest really is a beautiful part of the world.

I sat in a restaurant in Vancouver Airport getting breakfast and the TV is on. The Canucks are playing for the Stanley cup and are up 2-0 in a best of 7 series with two narrow wins at home.

Game 3 is in Boston tonight and it seems like everyone who works in the airport is wearing a Canucks shirt or hat, all the screens in the airport have a “Go Canucks Go” ticker across the bottom

The first 15 minutes of the local news bulletins are about the Canucks, and even the local news is broadcasting from Boston today. This is a big deal, and it should be.

I digress and once again my narrative is non-linier (see I’m a writer, maybe not a good one, but I understand enough to recognise a non-linier narrative and yes the book is starting to get a little shape to it, thank you for asking).

As I was driving north this morning, just as the sun was peeking over the Cascades I suddenly felt absolutely over whelmed by what’s going on. I thought of my family in England, my just amazing friends.

A year or so ago my ex went into one of her monologues about how bad a person I was, how lonely and how sad my life was. I remember her saying that I will talk about my friends, but really I’m alone and sad. Classic ex for those who know her, making herself feel better by putting down those around her.

Something this morning reminded me of that lecture. Yes there is the irony is that as she is becoming more and more isolated as the year goes on, but that’s another discussion. Over the last year I seen time and time again that I have so many friends, some incredible friendships. I say this not to prove her wrong, as I stopped caring a long time ago, but because these people have always been a huge part of my life and there were times I let that get away from me a little.

I really do feel thankful for my incredible family and my friends that make up my surrogate family in the US. Thank you, no matter if you live in Washington, Vermont, Oregon, California or where ever, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

These are people that I believe in and in return believe in me.

I just started crying, I could not hold it in and had to pull over for a few minutes. The emotions were not of feeling sorry for myself, but being thankful for the richness of my life today. That I have so many people who get me and are willing to bring the discussions down to my level.

The support I’ve had over the last three years, especially over the last 5 days has been overwhelming and this morning the emotions got the better of me and all of a sudden it needed to come out. And it did while sitting on an exit ramp just south of Bellingham.

So to Tracy, Alex, Carey, Mathew, JB, Min, Rebecca, Mike, Carl, Bill, William, Roger, Kim, Tom, Deb, Kat, Andrew, Chris, Anna-Marie, Stephen, Bob, Rob, Rob, Rob and the rest of you, thank you so very, very much. Know the calls, the emails, your time and most importantly friendship is all greatly, greatly appreciated.

I have the richest and most wonderful life, and I appreciate that.

Visiting someone for what may be the last time is a strange and rather complex thing. With my grandfather it was pretty clear this was about it. With mum I really hoped there would be at least one more time. Both visits ended with the same words “I love you”, both times my elder was coherent and knew we were saying goodbye.

I love mum and miss her and would wanted one more visit. Not to say goodbye, but because it’s mum. Over the previous few years I’d got used to seeing her sick, and clearly this was sicker than ever before. I was accustomed to the thin hair, the way her skin was and how quickly she got tired.

The last time with mum there was no jokes, no lectures, and no “Da Vid…” All things that had filled the room in the past, even on the day before.

Granddad said he was ready before he went, never to any of the grandkids, but to mum and she let me know. It’s shocking how much comfort that gives me even today.

I don’t think mum was scared before she died, I know she was not quite ready. She wanted to be at home and never quite made it.

I’ve often thought about one last visit and what it would have been like. I can’t help but wonder. How would I make it through? What piece of denial would fill the room now there are no lectures or jokes.

I’ll never know. The last words were “I love you” and we both knew it to be true.

Now if you will excuse me, I’ve a pile of pills and prescriptions to sort out and work out what needs to be taken when.

I’m still not 100% sure how I’m going to handle this, how much I’m going to talk about what’s going on, but for now this is up.

“When someone goes after you, the only way is to take the fight to them” – Sir Vivian Richards.

Not sure why I pulled out a Viv Richards quote, but it seems to fit after the last 72 hours. That time has been full of expletives, running around, discussions, emotions, distractions, planning, understanding, meetings, contemplation, talking, decisions and a few tears.

Everything has been so compressed, so sudden and once again first time I take a moment to breath I find friends have rallied round as soon as they heard. And they are being perfect. I’ll get onto what gets described as the tyranny of positive thinking at some other time, but once again I know I have the best friends and family there is.

The short version of events is this started about 6 weeks ago, it felt like an ear infection and I ignored it for a few days before finally going to me doctor. He looked in said “yep, text book ear infection” and prescribed some antibiotics and that was that.

The antibiotics did not do much over the next ten days, so he prescribed stronger ones and once again they did not do much. He referred me to the Ear-Nose-Throat specialist, and that appointment was Wednesday. The ENT looked in my ear, then stuck a probe up my nose and much to her credit kept a very professional bedside manner as she told me to wait while she arranged a CAT scan and MRI for Thursday morning and a follow up appointment on Friday.

Friday I arrived for my meeting to be introduced to a surgeon who asked me to sit down and immediately goes into how there is a growth behind my right ear that’s crushed the eardrum and has invaded the usually air-filled bone that makes up the base of my skull. He’s clear this is bad news and I suddenly want to throw up.

Over the next hour he talks me through the CAT scans and MRI. There are time I don’t understand what they are saying, there are othe moments when I’m just staring at the screen feeling numb. They answer my questions and then it comes to the $64,000 question we’ve both been skirting. What does it mean, and what are we going to do about it.

“The what does it mean?” part was easy, none of the three of us in the room had to say it, but he did anyway. It’s cancer, and it’s an aggressive one.

As for the second part, the “what are we going to do about it?” question, there was a moment of silence and he calmly said “We are going to shrink it, take the pressure off the brain and then we are going to cut it out.” Ever so matter-of-factly. I may go into the rest of that conversation another time, but I’m trying not to dwell on the cutting out part, that’s scaring the shit out me right now, by the current timetable it’s going to be sometime in late July.

I spent last night out with friends, they worked very hard at keeping me distracted and we ended up in Neumos in Seattle listening to Hells Belles, an all-girl AC/DC cover band who did a fine job in keeping me occupied and pretending everything was normal until late into the night.

This morning was another doctors appointment at UW, I’m not in the mood to go into that in detail, but the first round of chemo, oral this time, has been started and it looks like I can tolerate this OK. Which is good, as I’ve big plans for the next week that I really don’t want to break.

Again I will never be able to show my appreciation to the best group of friends anyone has ever had, how they were immediately there and understand the support I need by just calling to see if I’m OK rather than seeing it as a problem that’s there to be solved.

It’s ever so comfortable to have people I’ve known more than a decade just get how I am and what I need. The last three days have been brutal and I intend to write about a lot of that in some detail, but I believe in myself, in the team looking after me and maybe most importantly the people I choose to have in my life.

As I said at the beginning there has been a lot of tears and emotions, this is not straightforward, it’s been mis-diagnosed for approaching two months and this is a complication. It’s taken me a couple of hours to write this, I’ve stopped a number of times for little emotional breaks and I will get into the feelings and emotions behind those another time.

One of my friends this morning did suggest I name the tumour, and conveniently she had a name in mind for it. I’m not going to go into it here, but it’s not much of a surprise to people who know me. She finished the phone call by telling me to look forward to one day being able to say “X the bitch is gone!”

I’m open to suggestions about what it should be called; I really have the best people in my life.