Last year was a milestone birthday and a couple of weeks ago I turned over another year. Add loosing grandparents, parents, cancer and so on, getting old is rather in my face right now.

I think I am increasingly secure the idea that being older is a great deal more satisfying than being younger. Ten minutes on Google shows this is a rather well supported theory with opinion and scientific pieces by the dozen.

In what was admittedly a rather cursory read if articles after a couple of G&T’s in an airline lounge shows that evidence points to happiness tending to reach its lowest point in your mid to late thirties and then consistently improves into your 60’s. At which point the happiness quotient seems to be rather constant.

Personal experience seems to support this. My ambition is realistic, my current job is hard work, but ultimately I’ve proven in can do it in the past and its now about professional pride rather than career growth.

I think my expectation are realistic, happiness and fulfillment come from with in. It’s taken me a long time to stop listening as closely to the external influences that were there previously and have a real look at what I want and what makes me happy.

It’s been a time of learning experiences, some rather costly, but ultimately all lessons in what to do, or not do as the case may be.

This certainly chimes with my experience, since I had a total breakdown in my early thirties, partly as a result of my own ambition and unrealistic expectations about what life could be. Now, at the age of 41, I am more realistic – and that is one of the reasons why I am far happier.

Of course looking back at the Dave of 15 years ago I genuinely believed I had the world at my feet waiting for me. I know that’s not he case and it seems somewhat bewildering that I believed that. But here I am overweight, bad back, aching knees and considerably closer to death, yet I claim to be on my way to being happier than ever. I’m not there yet, but I think I’ve got an outline road map for how to get there.

We live in a society obsessed by appearances, aging means misery and this leads to occasionally pathetic attempts to hold onto youth, as you get older and mature.

My friend Carl said that at work the expectations for his work (getting on with it, not needing to be creative or innovate, just get it done) have finally come down to his level of competence and it’s his moment to shine.

Among my peers the same thing has happened. One of the bonuses of being and engineer in my 40’s is that my peers pretty much all look about as crappy as I do. Typically engineers are not exactly a role model for health and vitality, but in a rather vicarious was I feel better because of that.

For a start, I have a far better idea of who I am, experience has shown what’s made me happy or fulfilled in the past know who you are. I know that at 25 or 30 I was not a fully formed human being. By the time I was 40 I had realized I was not special, I am ordinary and happy with that.

A large part of my personal roadmap to self-belief and happiness is the realization that no one really cares how I see myself. The difference is, when you’re older you don’t mind and I like this.

While Googling I found a great quote from Eric Hoffer: “To grow old is to grow common. Old age equalises – we are aware that what is happening to us has happened to untold numbers from the beginning of time.”

Deep inside our well developed reptilian guy brain there are few things that are processed as fast as “motorbike…” (Aston Martin DB9 comes close). This goes double for new bikes and elevated a little further still for me when I see one of the big bore naked bikes.

Naked bikes came around when people became tired of repairing bodywork of road bikes after laying them down. They just left the bodywork off, it was easier for everyone.

For me it’s having the design be such an important part of the aesthetics of the bike. The engineering, styling and dynamics are all on display. A good naked bike means all three are mutually dependent. Get any of the three wrong and you have an ugly, poor bike.

Get all three right and you have a Ducati Monster.

On a naked bike you see everything, no chance to hide some ugly tube routing behind a fairing. The engineering is on display and quality of execution is on display in the details. Get the details just right and it’s beautiful.

Ducati has that Italian flair that makes Ferraris mush more of a statement than an equally good Porsche. They have character and even sitting still make a statement.

Riding a Monster grabs the reptilian brain and screams at it to open the throttle and feel the power.

I believe that true petrolheads need to have owned an Italian car at some point; I’d listen to an argument that they also need to have owned a bike.

There is a something different about Bike shows when compared to a regular motor show. Cars are seen by most as a necessity, while for most owning a bike is closer to a hobby.

Car companies spend millions on flash marketing to promote the release of a new midsize family saloon that’s not going to be quite as good as a Honda Accord in some way. Bikes don’t have any of that glitz because they don’t need it. The reptilian brain knows what it likes and an ad agency is going to have a hard time convincing it otherwise.

I’d certainly be more cautious on a bike than I was when I was 22 and briefly rode something with too much power. Reality is I’ve never learned how to ride properly, I passed the test, but never learned how to push a bike and where the edge really was.

I know I can’t ride a race bike, my back just can’t take it, but having an Italian bike in the garage would be very, very cool.

Confidence comes over time, and my confidence has certainly taken a hit recently. I’ve talked of needing to change a couple of time, I’ve talked of the fear of being found wanting and this crisis of self belief has been at the core of my problems. It’s also one of the things I have some level of control over.

I’ve come to accept as people we are flawed, not necessarily in a bad way, but flawed none the less. The self help groups, media gurus and book publishers have a lot of skin invested in convincing us that we can be “perfect”, when we are not and never will be perfect.

And I think that’s OK.

This is an OK with a caveat. While I’m OK with being a flawed individual, I’m also working to minimize my flaws. It’s not going to stop me working hard, taking myself out of the comfort zone and into the darker parts of life in a quest to be better, but I’m not trying to be the perfect person the self help industry promises you is possible.

This is simply recognition of one of the things that make us human. My flaws are unique to me, and accepting these flaws are part of who I am makes live so much simpler.

A question that came up for me this week was how do I feel about not being perfect?

I though about this for a while, and am still working through parts of it and the answer is wrapped up in where do I want to be. Accepting flaws initially sounded like giving some responsibility for my situation and throwing it to the wind and calling it chance.

The more I thought about it the more wrong I found this idea of delegation or abdication of responsibility was. The destination and journey is absolutely in my hands.

Understanding we are flawed is initially tough, identifying those flaws even harder and accepting that those flows are here to stay is really hard. But the truth can be hard, and it can really hurt self confidence.

Spelling out a few truths, however unpalatable initially knocks another hole in my confidence, but ultimately facing these flaws, accepting them will slowly build and strengthen it.

Baby steps, and even then it’s one baby step at the time.

This weekend is Monaco, yeah the track is tight and in reality it’s more of a money printing exercise by F1 with a noisy interlude on Sunday afternoon to give everyone an excuse to be there.

As a fan of F1 it’s a very special place, qualifying is important and the race to Saint Devote on the first lap is incredible to watch. It’s a wonderful challenge for the driver and any race fan should have it on their “to-do” list. Not quite as atmospheric as Monza or as entertaining as Spa, but it’s a unique race in a very special place.

As a mechanic it’s a pain in the arse. The tiny rabbit hutches in the pit lane were replaced a few years ago, but they used to be big enough to storing a few things while the cars were running and that’s about it. Nearly all the work on the cars actually takes place in a garage a significant distance from the track. Despite all the issues, it’s still an event everyone looks forward to.

There is a unique atmosphere and it’s a special place with lots of tradition to go along with the Casino, multi-million dollar yachts and the royal family. The only problem is I won’t be there.

No one was quite able to touch Red Bulls in qualifying this year. All five pole positions and 8 out of the 10 front row places so far have gone to Weber and Vettel. Control the front row, stay out of trouble and you’ve a huge advantage.

Their advantage over the rest of the field appeared to have widened still further with the installation of an effective and comprehensive upgrade package at the Circuit de Catalunya. The other teams are certainly playing catch up with regard to qualifying. The Red Bull race reliability has not been the best; Vettel had brake problems last weekend that cost him dearly. This is a circuit that’s incredibly hard on cars in general and brakes specifically.

Jenson Button had a poor race in Spain, he won at Monaco last year and said this week “I think the Monaco result is extremely tough to call, there are a lot of very competitive drivers so there is a good chance of a slightly unpredictable race.”

Lewis Hamilton was running a rather comfortable second to Webber in Spain when a tyre deflation caused him to crash on the penultimate lap. Hamilton also has the usual high hopes for Monaco.

Hamilton said “Qualifying will be more important than ever. While we’re still working hard to improve our qualifying pace, Monaco is a place where the input of the driver is more important than at any other track, so I’m pretty confident that we’ll be able to do a good job.”

McLaren has won fifteen times in Monaco, so far this year the car seems reliable, if they do well in qualifying and be consistent in the race there is the opportunity to make it 16 and either makes Buttons lead on the championship a little more secure or put Hamilton right back in the thick of the race.

It’s 9 years since Ferrari won here, however Alonso has won twice here. His Ferrari was second in Spain and he’s constantly been among the best qualifiers so far this year. Maybe it’s his weekend.

Monaco is always unpredictable, and that fact on top of the atmosphere, boats, parties and thong bikinis makes it a very fun race to watch. Nelson Piquet never won the race, he said “It’s like trying to cycle round your living room”, but added “a win here was worth two anywhere else”.

Maybe next year…

From new Member of Parliament Robert Halfon (@halfon4harlow):

“Just been hugged by Eric Pickles and called comrade. Now to work”

Big first day in the House of Commons, how do you top that tomorrow?

Today’s big news is that Gordon Brown is stepping down from leading Labour in the hope it will make it easier for Labour and the Lib Dems continue talking. For Clegg personally it does a couple of things, first he is not seen as propping up Brown’s premiership. Secondly perhaps the biggest stumbling block between Labour and Lib Dems was the uncomfortable relationship between Brown and Clegg

But perhaps most importantly it’s put pressure on the Conservatives to come up with a deal that involves a promise on proportional or alternative representation. So far the conservatives have made vague noises that they will set up committees to look at AR, but nothing Cameron can be nailed down on so far.

After the very public opening of negotiations with Labour I suspect Cameron’s position will change rather quickly. This may be his only chance to become PM, after so many years in opposition I suspect the party will not give him a lot of time to get this sorted.

A vast majority of Lib Dems feel that a promise on AR is essential to any coalition deal no matter who the bedfellows are. A LibDemVoice survey claims close to 80% of the membership feel that a promise on PR is essential to any alliance or coalition.

Now that negotiations with Labour are publically going on and Brown is stepping aside, the Conservatives have to give a little more or potentially loose power to a Labour-Lib Dem-Nationalist-Alliance-Green coalition. This rather sketchy grouping will provide a wafer thin majority in the House of Commons (assuming Sinn Fein don’t take their five seats as usual).

Not exactly a super stable platform, but it’s enough go to the Queen with, and keep Labour in Number 10 for now and give the Lib Dems what they want (a say, a referendum on PR and a couple of cabinet seats) and time have the Labour leadership election.

A significant number of commentators seem to think a coalition government will only be lasting maybe a year or 18 months, probably not enough time for the Lib Dems to get their PR referendum completed. I don’t think the parties have the energy or finances to run another election campaign before then, while this is not American politics with high profile fundraisers, the parties still needs millions to run the campaigns.

An interesting side note, the three parties are rumoured to have spent around 30 million pounds during the campaign. That gets spent in a single state here for the senate races and is maybe 10-15% of what a single party spends for the presidential election.

Telegraph journalist Jon Swaine tweets:

“Gordon Brown exacts final revenge on newspaper detractors by dropping most complicated bombshell in political history at 17.05”

I’m guessing most journalists are off home (or to the pub) at 5 after turning in the copy for tomorrows papers. Going to be a long night for writers and editors tonight.

In many years as a football fan and going to games something unique happened. The ownership put their money where their mouth was and gave season ticket holders their money back after the 0-4 loss to LA yesterday. The game got ugly; there is no question that after the third goal the sounder stopped playing, heads went down. For a team that uses the phrase “full 90” so much that was unacceptable.

The general manger Adrian Hanauer said

“The only thing that was good enough was our fans. So we decided that we’re going to give our fans their money back for that game”

“We’re in this for the long haul. We need them [the fans] to be in it for the long haul. That was not Sounder soccer and it was quite frankly embarrassing, humiliating and they don’t deserve that.”

He then talked about treating the fans they was we’ve treated the club. Earlier this year Wigan refunded the ticket cost for fans that travelled to London to watch the team loose 9-1 at Tottenham, but I’ve never heard of a club refunding tickets to it’s home fans after a poor result.

To be clear the second half of the game was atrocious to watch. From the stands it was clear who gave up and who played the entire 90.

The first half was actually rather good, an early Seattle goal was called back for offside, the replay clearly showed the player was onside when the ball was played. An error, but Seattle looked to have decent control of the game at that point and were doing a good job in the middle of the field.

It all changed after the most productive player in green, Alonso, was taken off with what has been reported as a quad strain in the 35^th minute.

The LA first goal was a mistake by Keller a few minutes later, he misjudged the flight of the ball, it happens occasionally to the best of keepers and with the number of times Keller has kept us alive we’ll allow him the occasional klanger.

The sides came out for the second half and Seattle’s play went downhill fast. Offside calls kept coming, the passing was imprecise and the second effort to win back lost balls was all but gone. LA looked in total control and played the entire game at their pace.

The Sounders seemed to loose heart after the second goal. The poor performance was a combination of poor defending by Seattle and midfield domination by LA. Zacuani, Montero and Ljundberg were anonymous and until the introduction of Montano there was very little creative play by the forwards.

There were times that Seattle’s defending, especially was atrocious. On the third goal the two centerbacks missed the runner and allowed an unopposed header from 6 yards out. Lapses like this are inexcusable at this level. Landon Donovan’s boast that LA could have scored 5 or 6 seems realistic.

There was one bright spot for Seattle, the introduction of 18-year-old Miguel Montano. He added significant pace and a work ethic that was seemingly missing from the rest of the team.

Sigi was clear after the game that there will be changes before next weeks match in New York (who also lost 4-0 this week).

Finally, a big appreciation to Hanauer and the rest of the ownership group for showing an understanding of what it’s like to be a fan. Looking at clubs around the world it’s a rare moment. Thanks.

I had one of those wonderful moments where I got to spend a little time on a “happy place” this morning, I awoke unreasonably early and did something I’ve not done for a while.

It was still dark out and very little traffic on the freeway, I dropped the top of the car, turned the heaters up and hit Chuckanut Drive. By the time I started the sky to the east was light, but there were still the stars out, a cold, but quite beautiful morning.

I’m not going to talk about speed or time taken, but that 21 miles of beautiful winding road is one of those places that make me happy.

When I was going through chemo and in its aftermath it was a place I could go and no matter how crappy I’d felt, the day got a little better. And this morning it did exactly that.

It’s never going to give total clarity to a problem, but it does help me focus on something else for a little while, which allows me to strip away the extraneous and really emotionally charged stuff, leaving behind what’s really important.

The road is stunning, especially the part between Samish and Larrabee state park. It’s a wonderful drive that’s got a place on my list of “happy places”. Things have changed considerably for me, but I was happy to see the result is still the same. I came away smiling and feeling a little better about myself.

Te rest of the “long way round” drive to work was a rather pleasant drive with the top down, heater on and the CD turned up a little louder than maybe it should have been. I think the grin probably helped.

A well balanced piece from Rory Cellan-Jones at the BBC discussing social media and it’s influence on the Election.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/rorycellanjones/2010/05/so_was_it_an_internet_election.html